Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
