the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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