Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
