I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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