I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
