At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
