Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
