i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
worst night to have a conscience
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize