my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
