if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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