u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
