Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize