my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
