You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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