$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
