So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
