I cannot find my penis.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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