She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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