Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
