I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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