i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
