there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
