have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
