Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize