the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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