The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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