he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
