I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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