I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
