Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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