Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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