It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
