1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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