theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
