I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
