I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
