my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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