I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
