Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
