life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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