maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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