I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
please come you make the beer taste better
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
