You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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