I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
