I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
