Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
