I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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