Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
