im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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