i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we're making bets on your personal life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
