Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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