Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
