Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
