is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
