You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
