I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
