people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
