I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
