I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
