38 yer olds are good kisserssss
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
