I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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